Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
