ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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