What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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