: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
