Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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