I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
