He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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