May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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