I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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