i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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