New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
