Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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