Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
