I'm so fucking centered right now
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
