So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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