My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Naked. naked and bneed help.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
