Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
