I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
