I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
