You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
