my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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