ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
