I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
