I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
