I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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