I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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