i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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