He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
