brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
