On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
