my phone needs a breathalizer
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
