I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
