yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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