I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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