Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
