Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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