you traded sex for a burrito?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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