I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
