yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
