Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish you could order shots online.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
