I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
My sheets look like a crime scene.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
