you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
