I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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