bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
