I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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