It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
