You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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