Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Oh god it's open bar.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
