I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
