my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
